Yasmine's Thoughts on Week 11.

So...it's been 11 weeks. Everytime I think to sit down and write about my thoughts on motherhood, well, my thoughts change. Or, it's time to do something like change a diaper. Motherhood for sure is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I'd say I spent the first 6 weeks stumbling through it and wondering "what the hell did I get myself into?" (and frankly, didn't want to admit to anyone I was actually thinking so, knowing full well that I'd have everyone saying "I told you so"). But suddenly things changed. Well, maybe not suddenly. But, one day, Sivan began to acknowledge me. She smiled. And those little smiles have well, changed everything! Now, although I can't seem to figure out how to get anything done and there is no such thing as "free time", I have fallen in love with this little girl who has turned my life upside down. I mean, really, it's like a tornado blew through our house and life. Whereas before I felt like I had to force myself to interact with this newborn (lest her brain development might suffer), I now find it hard to get anything done because every little thing she does is super exciting. Like grasping objects! Or recognizing Adam! Or talking to me! Diaper changes have become fun for her and me. I have decided that I must sit down and write myself a letter on "the first 3 months". A letter that I can read for #2 or pass on to friends having a baby. Things like, what to have handy in the house, and what expectations to have and not have, and reminders to myself like "yes, the first four weeks SUCK but the kid will one day smile" and of course "one day this kid will sleep 6 hours and maybe even 8!" and of course "if you just had a csection, take it EASY".

Sivan is really like a continuation of my studies in Psychology. I think my favorite thing about Sivan is the way she expresses her emotions. I could do without the supreme dismay that results in a screaming crying tantrum. But I LOVE when she suddenly decides she likes something how her entire face beams. It makes me wonder why as adults, we dont' see this very often. When do adults hide their joy? Do we no longer feel joy the way kids do? Or is it suddenly not "cool" to express it? Why? I also find myself trying to constantly see the world from her perspective. I sit under the mobile and wonder why these animals moving in a circle are so stimluating. I've even tried sucking my thumb to see if I could understand why it was soothing. Turns out I've outgrown the need to suck (Freud would approve). One of the things I wonder the most though is what she thinks when she looks in a mirror. Although I still would say Kiska is more intelligent, Sivan actually sees things in the mirror. She catches my eye in the mirror and smiles. I am DYING to know what she's thinking. So, there's her mom looking at her smiling, but wait, her mom is holding her! Are there two moms? If I were her, I would not smile. I would cry in frustration and confusion.